Why does the guy with the 17 items in the express line …

always end up in my line ?   Almost 80% of the time I go to the Supermarket  I end up scoping the express lines and bolting to the one with the least people  and the line that doesn’t have black holes.   But it seems that if I see a line that doesn’t look bad I run over to it  and there’s this old lady with one item on the belt ( cottage cheese)  but then reaches down into her Felix the Cat bag and pulls out 17 more items,  One a Day vitamins. liverwurst, Dentyne, Lady Fingers, etc    I can’t get mad at some old bat   so I move over to the next empty one.. and as soon as I get there some guy who looks like  Dick Butkus just beats me there with a ”  Ah  you don’t mind pal..I got to get to a party”   So because he’s already in front of me  and because he also looks like he would kill me if I took one of his Red Bulls, I decide to let him go.    bottom line  is that I dare not switch ( The old Lady is still taking stuff out of her Felix Bag)  so I stand behind Bonco Nagursky and endue his conversation on how he’s gonna get ” ripped ” tonight then go home and take care of the little woman.   Uh   Maybe you’ll get drunk, but if someone would sleep with you , she/he/it   would still not sleep with you ol flat-top.   That’s why I’m  51 and pissed “

Pissing me off today.No 3 ! Women with skin rash serving me at Bagel Counter !

Here’s the scene.  I’m standing in line at the local Bagel store.  They have the best Bagels(fresh, not doughy) and I LOVE their coffee.  The line moves up and as it becomes my turn I look up and there is a woman with a bad skin rash on both sides of her mouth.  ” may I help you she says”  and as the last word is released from her mouth she reaches up and with her platic gloved hand ( didnt matter what hand) she rubs the rash.  I’m frozen.  I can’t respond.  What should I do ?  I wanted to say ” What the hell was that”  but I was shocked and scared and didnt want to embarass her. ” Embarass her ?  Am I high ?  So I casually calculated my choices.  Bagel ..No !  Coffee ..No !   Aaahhh..yeah the newspaper..  Yeah that’s it ..I turn to pick up the paper but their is none ..Ugh.  No what ?  I turned back to her and said .” Just a plain bagel please..nothing on it”  She knew something was up , but couldn’t respond..” Yeah sure..” she drawled.  She plopped the bagel in a brown bag and mumbled..$ 1.25   I gave her 2 and waited for the change like Dorothy waited for the sand to run out of the hourglass. each second was like a single grain of sand..until she handed me the .75c.  Another dilema( to be continued)