Johnny Depp wins 2nd Sexiest Man Alive…Uh what am I missing here folks ?

Now I know I’m a Dude,  and I know dudes shouldn’t be talking about sexiest men alive,  but if I was to talk about it ( I am already), then scrawny, goofy Johnny Depp would not be in my Top 200..  What say the masses ?

Why does the guy with the 17 items in the express line …

always end up in my line ?   Almost 80% of the time I go to the Supermarket  I end up scoping the express lines and bolting to the one with the least people  and the line that doesn’t have black holes.   But it seems that if I see a line that doesn’t look bad I run over to it  and there’s this old lady with one item on the belt ( cottage cheese)  but then reaches down into her Felix the Cat bag and pulls out 17 more items,  One a Day vitamins. liverwurst, Dentyne, Lady Fingers, etc    I can’t get mad at some old bat   so I move over to the next empty one.. and as soon as I get there some guy who looks like  Dick Butkus just beats me there with a ”  Ah  you don’t mind pal..I got to get to a party”   So because he’s already in front of me  and because he also looks like he would kill me if I took one of his Red Bulls, I decide to let him go.    bottom line  is that I dare not switch ( The old Lady is still taking stuff out of her Felix Bag)  so I stand behind Bonco Nagursky and endue his conversation on how he’s gonna get ” ripped ” tonight then go home and take care of the little woman.   Uh   Maybe you’ll get drunk, but if someone would sleep with you , she/he/it   would still not sleep with you ol flat-top.   That’s why I’m  51 and pissed “

I’m 51 and Pissed that I’m not hanging with KIAWAH smoking a Robusto !

What are you guys smokin these days? With the great weather , golf season etc.. you must be lighting up. I’ve always been a big fan of the robusto, it’s the perfect size not too long , but a serious smoke you can get through with a busy schedule. With it’s fairly wide ring size you get a good full draw and some of the other advantages of a longer bigger smoke. I’ve always thought the Cohiba Robusto and the partagas Serie D were the best smokes going. In todays economy i’ve been looking for great smokes under $10 a stick, clearly the Cohiba and Partagas if you can find them are going to be closer to $25 a pop. I found two real good ones. the first is the CAO Brazilia ($5), Dark and oily , nice nut and white pepper flavors. La Flor Dominicana ($4), nice even smoke , flavors of cedar, leather and coffee. Both excellent buys and easy to find.
Posted 1 Hours 18 Minutes Ago by kiawah

Top 10 ways that you know your really hammered at a Party !

1) The hostess that normally looks like Joan Rivers is starting to look like Jenny McCarthy 2) When you light your 12th cigarette you light it in the middle 3) You try and try to open the non screw top of a Heineken until your finger starts to bleed, but you get another Heineken because you think there was something wrong with the first 4) When you go to take a leak at 1am,you lean against the wall with your right hand , but your head is against the wall also 5) Macadamia Nuts(who brought those) taste as good as a cheesburger 6) The only beer thats left is a O’Douls(non alchoholic),,and you drink it anyway 7) The guy that coached your kid in 4th grade lacrosse starts making sense.8) Your burps start bringing up foot particles (macadamia nuts, etc) 9) Your out of Parliaments so you borrow a Virgina Slim Light from the l4th grade lacrosse guys wife. 10 ) the lacrosse guys wife who normally looks like Amy Winehouse is starting to look like Cameron Diaz with black hair..

I HATE the NBA, H..A…T..E.. Kobe, KG, Melo, are…

a freakin joke …The playoffs are a bombastic display of pyrotechnics, loud(bad) rock and pop music, and over-adrenalized fans rooting for multi-million dollar spoiled children, and that’s in person.  Imagine a sport where it’s better to watch the game at home on the TV, and even that is akin to going to see Hannah Montana and Cyndi Lauper do a version of John Gay’s THREE PENNY OPERA..  Complete brutality.  I have a suggestion..Why not make Kobe and KG ( Kevin Garnett) joust in Wembley Stadium while Tim Duncan ( The most boring superstar ever) recites ELEGY IN A COUNTRY CHURCHYARD  ?  Maybe that way I would watch.

I’m Pissed today because everybody in town is going away for the Spring Break next week…

and I’m stuck at home hoping to go on a few day trips. It’s kind of my fault.(1).No early planning (some women I know have been planning this trip since the GIANTS won the Super Bowl) (2) Don’t want to spend the cash( In my defense it’s hard spending $4500 (prob low) when it’s 67 degrees outside and the only benefit is drinking (I can do that here( and laying in broiling sun ( I’m Irish/Italian so my Irish half (face and arms and legs) burn to a crisp…I can do that here on a lacrosse field just as easy. But here’s the thing that really pisses me off. Why is there a Spring Break for teachers ? Were the months of February ( wait they had a break in Feb)..Ok March ( You had Saint Patricks Day) that brutal that they needed a break ? So because they were so stressed from March 1st to April 15th ( BTW you had the NCAA Tourney in there to bide your time ) that they needed another break before slaving for another month before they have off 3 months for the Summer , that I need to now take my 5 kids (2 in college that’s really inexpensive) and spend 4500 to take them somewhere and drink overpriced Tequila Sunrises and pay SICK cash to watch some cheap version of a porpoise(dolphin..who cares about the difference) named Quipper( Snap) swim around a small tank in Quipper World ? Thanks Mrs McGillicudy and your strong Union !

To NCAA or Not to NCAA.. I apologize to ALL MEN for dropping the NCAA Hoops Ball !

Every year when the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament starts I get all excited and decide I’m going to watch EVERY game..Bar none. Then the tournament starts and I start losing interest until the Final Four, and then I get mildly interested again,and watch pretty much the remaining games. But I’m really pissed this time because I did it again. I got psyched up.. Watched every first round game with fervor and then my interest fell off and I missed some really great games. The GEORGETOWN collapse ( Why does John Thompson Jr, get a pass for that one), STANFORD game Sat night, UCLA’s wicked comeback, and many more games that I probably missed too. The only reason I knew about the afore mentioned games was I heard all my buddies talk about them on Monday ..PATHETIC ! So here’s my Promise to all GUYS. I no longer will dismiss 2nd and 3rd round games of the NCAA tournament ! I will watched the Tournament with lust and fervor, and record every second in my memory bank for future discussions, and I will never, never, turn off a game with more then 10 minutes remaining. Apology accepted ?

JP Morgan -Bear Stearns Cha-Cha.. How long before BEAR STERNS is back to original Price ?

irst they find that BEAR STEARNS has huge problems and they have to immediately have to BAIL them out. The FED meets with JP Morgan and they say. ” We need to bail out the whole banking system, so here’s 30 bill boys , Can you take over Bear Stearns out at $ 2 a share?” . The officials look bewildered but know a good deal when they see one , so they say ” Yeah sure..” Like Frank Pantangeles in the GODFATHER Pt 2. Then the FED add’s. And for being good soldiers, we’ll throw in a .75 rate cut” The boys at JP ” Lick their chops and exclaim to the world…We BUY ” Now I don’t think anybody really thought that the demise of a major firm like BEAR STEARNS would go happen so quickly and without any resistance ( Lawyers are licking their lips) , but does the Government, JP Morgan, and even Bear Stearns think we are all idiots? Uh for those that have forgotten ENRON,LONG TERM CAPITAL, The Banking Scandal, TYCO, World Com, etc etc the ansewer in a resounding YES ! Now JP Morgan is feeling guilt for stealing the firm at $ 2 a share, so they want to raise the bid to $ 10. So what’s next on the wink-wink front ? $ 15 a share..Then 25 $ , Then back to the price Bear Stearns was before the supposed demise? What a Machiavellian setup this was..is !

I’m 51andPissed because my Portfolio looks like Keith Richards hair !

Down they go.  Then down more, and then down again.  Then a HUGE investment bank takes a header,and the world looks like it’s about to end.  I have huge headaches.  I can’t Sleep. My portfolio looks  like  Keith Richards hair, and friends and fellow townspeople are down big time because they are either worried about losing their job or worse yet they have already lost it.   And then like a red tailed hawk swooping down on a innocent squirrel, JP Morgan scoops up Bear Stearns for $2 a share(swiinngg), the FED cuts rates by .75 and there is Euphoria in the air.  Up 400+ points and now my head really hurts.  Which way now ?  Is this the bottom ?  A dead cat bounce ? Or just another  head fake by the Worlds Economy.. I don’t know, but it makes my stomach contort like Mary Lou Retton and my head hurt like Jim Morrison after the concert in New Haven.  That’s why I’m 51andPissed !

PISSED OFF.No.6, BILLY CRYSTAL aka EDDIE GAEDEL signs 1 day contract with YANKEES !

Ahhh I smell Bill Veeck , remember the little Eddie Gaedel dude (can’t say midget anymore) ? Shame on the Yankees. What would the YANKEE CLIPPER, THE BAMBINO, THE MICK, THE CHAIRMAN BOARD, think of this debacle..Then again those guys were so hammered (except Joe D) that they would prob have liked the idea. Derek Jeter, Arod, and Jorge Posada won’t say anything because it would be a PR nightmare.. So I’ll will say it ..It sux and it pisses me off. C’mon Steinbrenners(George and Hank) , stop the BS You have the greatest franchise in sports history, don’t f,it up with 60 year old dudes who want to get their rocks off playing for 1 day. I know he’s a lifelong YANKEE fan, but so am I . so can I play shortstop during the first game of the ALCS ? Please .. I’ll name one of my KIDS . EDDIE GAEDEL !